No Medications

It's been about six years now that I've been "different". Not every day is unbearable, but happy days are few and far between. I had hoped when I left for college that I had outgrown depression, but now, years later, it does not seem to be going anywhere. Some days, the mere hopelessness of the situation can be overwhelming. However, I have made the decision not to take medication.

In high school, I figured I could push through depression to the other side and get to happier days, and so there was no need to start medication. Now is different. Now I'm beginning to see there may not be another side to this. It might never completely end. So why am I not taking medication? There are multiple reasons, but one in particular is that I don't want to spend what could potentially be the rest of my life dependent on a drug. I want to beat this myself.

I know I've been dealt a shit hand. Feeling emotionally numb is not a good thing, yet I welcome it; feeling nothing is better than misery. I know I have to do something. However, I don't want that "something" to be relying on drugs to balance my moods, and, as time moves forward, I've noticed I'm slowly learning how to deal with this on my own. Grueling exercise (within reason), a healthy diet and vitamins (particularly vitamin B), studying my problems (I'm minoring in psychology), constant human interaction, forcing myself out of the house (even if there's nowhere to go). All these things help me suppress the constant misery surrounding me. I might never beat it, but I just might be able to live with it. Some might say suppressing misery is bad, but I'll save that for another post.

The down side to this is that I'm now more susceptible to using and abusing illegal drugs, the constant stress and anxiety that come from a life of depression is hard on my heart, and then there's always the depression itself constantly sitting on my shoulders with its icy fingers wrapped around my heart. This is my life...