Monday, August 17, 2009

Chaos against routine

Yesterday morning I woke up in a house I'd never been in, in a city I rarely visited, knowing only that my car was parked near a street called "Dawson". The room was full of kids I didn't know whose faces were hanging over buckets and plastic bags, still asleep. It looked like they'd had a crazier night than I had. I wandered into the kitchen, drank a glass of water, and then tip-toed out of the house where I walked around the city for just under an hour searching for my car.

I realized something while I was searching: I like this. I like not knowing. I like change. I like a challenge. I remember in high school, me and a friend would put ourselves in precarious predicaments for the sole purpose of forcing ourselves to figure out a way to get out of them.

I've also noticed lately I enjoy movies that involve society breaking down. When the structure of society crumbles and everyone is left to their own devices, I'm fascinated. In that situation, when classes disappear, money counts for nothing, status becomes irrelevant, it's as if someone hit the reset button on society. Everything starts over, and everyone is in the same boat.

Super-ordinate goals, besides being one of the most effective methods for creating unity amongst strangers, provide individuals with something to work towards, something to take their minds off of themselves which is important considering persons who can't stop thinking about themselves are more likely to slip into debilitating states of depression. Humans are designed for adventure and competition. Anyone that looks deep inside themselves will realize they have an adventurous side. I don't think we are meant to reach a state of equilibrium and complete comfort. It's as if we are meant to spend our lives moving towards something, but we never actually get there until we die.

On a side note, I'm worried I may be heading for a crash sometime in the near future. My life has been in a state of emotional numbness for awhile now, and I'm starting to see the numbness cracking at the seems. Hopefully some big change can come along and help me avoid this crash, but it's unlikely. The change never comes. Even now all hope is gone, and what semblance of motivation and ambition I had is slowly waning. Where I felt nothing before, I now feel the lack of hope inside. I feel like a vacuous hole, and vacuums are always filled by something. I'm sorry


  1. I'm sure you've come up with this one by yourself, but if adventure is what makes you happy, why can't adventure be one of your goals? Honestly, if a night of adventure and your past expeditions left you feeling positive, chase that high! Happiness is so few and far between in this world that if you can find something that gives you a taste of it it's worth all your effort.

    And as for your "crash"-- I'm here if you need anything. I don't know if you ever feel this way, but sometimes numbness isn't satisfying for me. I'd rather feel something than nothing. Of course, I regret thinking that as soon as I'm down again. But maybe you're headed toward some sort of catharsis?

    And I certainly have not given up hope for you. Feel free to use my hope if yours is missing.

    You're in my thoughts,

  2. As far as your "crash" is concerns, I am here too should you need anything.

    To me, what is important is to let put aside of it, and do not given up hope for yourself. Keep moving towards your destiny. I am very sure you can overcome it with ease.

    You're in my thoughts,

    James Oh